Bipolar 2 Disorder

I don’t get love from my parents. All they do is feed me pills to keep me stable. I have always been bullied and rejected. I feel like no one relates to me because I have been in and out of mental hospitals. It started when I was 9 years old and now I am 27, still seeking mental help but haven’t improved at all. I have always been left out and by myself. I feel like a failure and not good enough. I am not one of the drop dead gorgeous girls that men run after. I never even had one good looking man ask me out to eat and all the boys I ever liked said I was ugly or rejected me. I feel like I don’t get treated good sometimes, I want to be treated better and be more important. I would cut myself all over my arm. It gets to the point that therapy doesn’t even help because what can I do if people are treating me this way? I don’t like the way I look either. I don’t fit in with society at all, I rather be on my own anyways.

#MentalHealth #Disability #CheckInWithMe #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #Psychosis #PanicAttacks #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #Selfharm #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #BriefPsychoticDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

I don’t get love from my parents. All they do is feed me pills to keep me stable. I have always been bullied and rejected. I feel like no one relates to me because I have been in and out of mental hospitals. It started when I was 9 years old and now I am 27, still seeking mental help but haven’t improved at all. I have always been left out and by myself. I feel like a failure and not good enough. I am not one of the drop dead gorgeous girls that men run after. I never even had one good looking man ask me out to eat and all the boys I ever liked said I was ugly or rejected me. I feel like I don’t get treated good sometimes, I want to be treated better and be more important. I would cut myself all over my arm. It gets to the point that therapy doesn’t even help because what can I do if people are treating me this way? I don’t like the way I look either. I don’t fit in with society at all, I rather be on my own anyways.

#MentalHealth #Disability #CheckInWithMe #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Schizophrenia #Psychosis #PanicAttacks #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #Selfharm #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #BriefPsychoticDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

So I'm up at 3am and I have to work tomorrow morning. Thankfully I can work remote so I can hide that I'm feeling under the weather.
The seasonal changes have literally affected my sleep. I have allergies to tree pollen it seems. Allergies to various air pollen/ spores.
I was pretty stubborn and should have just taken the antihistamine last night.
But I already take daily medication, and my stomach has been irritated lately so I really didn't want to add another thing.
Fingers crossed I get some sleep!!

So I'm up at 3am and I have to work tomorrow morning. Thankfully I can work remote so I can hide that I'm feeling under the weather.
The seasonal changes have literally affected my sleep. I have allergies to tree pollen it seems. Allergies to various air pollen/ spores.
I was pretty stubborn and should have just taken the antihistamine last night.
But I already take daily medication, and my stomach has been irritated lately so I really didn't want to add another thing.
Fingers crossed I get some sleep!!

When I was unmedicated,
I was a bright light. Who danced in the rain and sang to people at stop lights.
When I was unmedicated,
I was fun. I got dirty and rolled in the dirt with my boys.
When I was unmedicated,
I was “Monica Gellar” clean. My house looked tip top.
Now that I’m medicated,
I’m bleh. I no longer act crazy.
Now that I’m medicated,
I’m distant at times. And my boys are separated.
Now that I’m medicated,
I messy. And stressed. And lazy! And my anxiety seeps through my cracks, like sewer steam.
I know who I am but I don’t.
My kids are teenagers now, and they have their own thoughts. Their own words.
And I just listen. I try to be supportive. But it feels like it’s not enough.
I was once a wild soul. Unapologetically me. The girl who’d burst out in song and dance.
Medication has tamed me.
But I’m still self discovering. Every day. Every minute. Every hour.
Every day.

#BipolarDepression #BipolarII #PTSD #MentalHealth